Chapter 22: Moving on

I feel like I have started the last few posts like this but here we go again. I am sorry this has taken so long, life is still crazy but I feel like that’s just how it is going to be from now on. That said let’s get down to business. I am exhausted…. mentally, emotionally and physically. It has been 8 months since my mother in law passed away. I have been handling the majority of the estate dealing and it has been extremely draining.

I feel like anything that could go wrong did. The sump pump failed on the day of one of the open houses, the furnace shot fireballs and quit working during the home inspection and the sump pump system failed inspection at the last minute before closing. The items in the house that we were told could stay needed to be removed at the last minute because the buyer changed his mind….. frustrating to say the least, and expensive. That said the house is now sold and the estate will be closed by the end of the year. PRAISE GOD.

Throughout this entire process I have gone through a gauntlet of unpleasant emotions and thoughts, it got to the point that anytime I needed to go to the house I would leave angry….. every single time. That would leave me feeling guilty. Who gets mad at a deceased person and her house? This girl. Ugg

Throughout this time we had basically stopped being regulars at church, we were frustrated with things there and basically didn’t have the emotional strength to address it so we just stopped showing up. We have since returned and it seems like the things that frustrated us the most prior were no longer a big deal. I try think that the devil saw a crack in my armor and was trying to weasel his way back into my life. Thankfully between my husband and I our armor was weak in different places and when we joined forces it was stronger than him. The devil basically had me on my knees but jokes on him because that’s the best way to pray.

I am human, imperfect, I struggle and I fail God every day but I thank, well Him every day for not leaving my side. When the sump pump failed, it was something we could fix, when the furnace broke we were able to get a deal on a new one and someone stepped up to loan us the money. When the sewer inspection failed, we were able to get someone there that day and there was just enough in the account to cover it. These are not coincidences, those are what my grandmother would call Godicidences.

I have been in much lower places in my life but have not faced anything this hard since I renewed my relationship with Christ and his Son. This time I did not try to drown my sorrows in Jack Daniels, I did not throw it the towel as much as I wanted to, and I didn’t push my husband away, if anything this has brought us closer. I am a work in process and thank God he isn’t done with me yet.

If you are in a low spot in your life, learn from my mistakes. Keep going to church, keep your eyes on God and just keep moving forward.

Chapter 21: “thoughts and prayers “

I am finding it harder and harder to write this lately. I feel like I can’t be a blessing to anyone or teach anyone anything because I am failing at being a good Christian myself. I still feel like I need to write and God works in mysterious ways so hopefully I can make this positive. If nothing else, real.

My last post I discussed the passing of my mother in law. Today I want to talk about the aftermath and the let downs we have been experiencing since then. For the last few years my husband and I have been surrounding ourselves with a more Christian based friend group. We never meant to abandon our friends from the past but when life leads you on a different path you naturally start to drift apart.

Some of our new friends and our family members have been phenomenal since she passed and have bent over backwards to be there for us and support us. On the other hand many of them have offered thoughts and prayers and have left it at that.

I am a strong believer in the power of prayer but if you are capable of doing more you should. Jesus didn’t just pray for the sick and broken hearted. He would act, he would heal them, feed them and physically care for them as well. I have been guilty of this as well. It’s so much easier to send up a prayer and hope God will take it from there.

Since her passing alot of our old friends have been coming out of the woodwork. They have been calling to check in, always asking if we need anything, and were the ones that were with us doing the heavy lifting along side a few of our newer group.

What I have learned from this experience is I never again want to be a “thoughts and prayers ” Christian. I want to be a “I will pray for you or with you, but what can I do for you today to be a blessing”.

Basically my message for today is prayer is powerful but so is action. Be physically mentally and emotionally there for people who are suffering. Pick up the phone, make a meal, send a card, do whatever you are capable of doing to help people in need AND pray for them.

Chapter 20: Grief

I have not written in awhile and it was not for a lack of content. Its been due to the inability to put grief into words. March 25th my mother in law passed away expectedly unexpected. She was battling cancer since before I met Jake and its been a hard and long road. She went to be with her father in heaven on her terms and details don’t matter.

First and foremost I loved/love her. She raised my bestfriend and we shared a bond that is difficult to put into words. That said we did not always get along. Likely because we were very similar in a lot of ways and due to the typical power struggle that goes along with becoming the new number one in a mans life.

When Jake and I started to become more serious I made it my mission to befriend his mother. It was difficult at first but we eventually let our guards down and got to know each other. Our birthdays were a day apart so we would celebrate together. The first year was a trip to the zoo and the next year was horseback riding (a bucket list item for her). We would have coffee dates weekly for awhile and we usually went to her house for dinner or went out to eat once a week.

The sicker she got the more I pushed to stay close and she started to push me away. I knew what she was doing but didn’t want to accept it. She told me that my role was to take care of Jake and I truly believe she thought I could not handle more than that. I believe her reasoning was to hurt me then so that when she did pass I would be better able to support her son and my husband.

The more she pushed the more I let her. One day I decided that I wasn’t going to reach out anymore. I wanted her to want to come to me, and that day never came. I am in no way trying to speak ill of her, I understood what she was doing and why and I just gave up. I can’t imagine dying and being aware of it being an easy thing. I started to focus on Jake and trying to prepare him for what was to come.

How exactly do you prepare a man to loose his mother 4 years after loosing his father all before the age of thirty??? How do you prepare a man to be able to pick up the pieces of his life and move on after such a crushing experience???

I am no expert and feel like I fail daily but this is what I have learned. Pray for him, pray for your marriage and pray for his mother. Go to church with him, get him involved in groups, pray for solid Godly friendships and (I can’t stress this enough) be patient with him.

It has been a difficult and trying time. We have argued and pushed each other to our limits. We have also loved and supported each other fiercely. There is nothing we wouldn’t do for each other and our marriage is stronger for it.

I know that we will get through this, but only if we put our faith and trust in Him. We have been let down by several people during this time, mostly due to people making promises that they knew they could not keep. People say they are going to be there because it’s the right thing to do at the time but do not follow through. God has never let us down, EVER. It may not always be in the timing that we want but it’s His timing that matters

We are a little lost at the moment and some habits from our pasts are trying to rear their heads but we will resist, we will stay strong and faithful and we will get through this intact because we wonderfully made.

I have soooooo much more to say on this topic but this is a good start.

I love you Mom S.

Chapter 19: pray without ceasing….. that means for yourself as well apparently

I have had writers block for several weeks now. I have sat down several times to write and either nothing has come to me or I get distracted. I have been struggling with God lately and questioning the lessons he has been teaching me. I feel the devil and his worldly temptations have been trying to take advantage of this.

Valentine’s day is not a fun day for me. My past marriage started and ended on that date and it’s an unpleasant reminder of my life when I wouldn’t let God have a role anymore. I love my life and my husband and I am truly blessed. I really thought it would not effect me this year, I thought all of the good things I have outweighed the negative. I thought my fight for my life from the devil was over. I know God and I have won that war but the devil is still trying to battle.

I have not had a cigarette in almost a year and have not had more than a drink, maybe 2 in even longer. I wanted to buy a pack of smokes and a bottle of Jack in the worlds worst way this week. I wanted to give in and not fight just one day. Don’t worry I did neither of those things but it just proved that I still need God and Jesus in my life more than ever. Lord knows it would not have just been one day.

I have always had a problem with praying for myself. Everytime I try to pray for myself I always remember that others have it way worse than myself and I feel guilty and pray for them instead. I then try to make my own way….. as you might have guessed I can do nothing without him and this plan is not going well. My heart has been hardening, I have not been loving others as I should and I have been holding on to pain and anger instead of giving it God. I have obviously written about this a few times but I am a slow learner.

I have decided to start praying for myself on a regular basis, its still very awkward but I feel necessary. I still pray for others more than myself but I am forcing myself to give it all to him, even my problems that seem petty or small. All of those small things I keep tucking away turn into big problems if left unattended. They don’t have to be long prayers or even formal. I have been shooting up one liners all week and I just feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders a little bit each time.

The moral of the story is to just pray. Pray often, pray for big things and little things, pray in feast and in famine, pray for friends and enemies alike…… pray without ceasing.

Chapter 18 : tough love

Jake and I have recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary. The past year has been such a blessing. Our faith and love has grown by leaps and bounds. We have had some ups and downs but mostly ups and we have learned from the downs. We have dealt with some pretty heavy stuff that most couples don’t usually face so early on.

My husband has had some significant losses in his life and we are preparing for the next. In the last 4 years my husband has lost his father, has gone through a divorce, had a significant injury and is now losing his mother to cancer. He has all of this going on and he still tries to cater to my every emotional and physical need. He is the strongest person I know and I thank God every day for bringing us together.

I feel people often overlook his grief because he doesn’t let it show. He has always kept it in, put his head down and barreled through. Up until very recently I was trying to “fix” this. I have always considered myself a fixer. I try to solve problems and mend relationships. I cannot fix this for him and I can’t change the way others treat him or how hard I have been on him in the past.

I can however be his peace from this day forward. I can be the soft landing at the end of the day and I can love him. I have expanded my support system, I have stepped back from things and given less to others so that I can give him more. I am not a perfect wife but I am going to make an effort to be the best one I can be.

Ps: This is why every woman needs a tribe. I would not have known that this is needed or would I have the strength to do this without my fellow sisters in Christ.

Get a tribe

I strongly believe that every woman needs a tribe. A group of like minded women to vent to, bounce ideas off, and just in general support each other in this difficult thing called life. This is especially true for Christian women in the world we live in.

I didn’t have many saved friends until recently and my support system was toxic at times. Everyone has stuff happen, nobodies life is sunshine and rainbows all the time. When the storm clouds role in its imperative to seek advice from the right people. If not you can end up following some ungodly advice that gets you in even more trouble than you started. I don’t know what I would do without my current tribes advice but I know that I would not be handling current situations with as much grace as required.

That also means once you are part of a group you need to make an effort to give quality advice, pray for your group and try to set good examples for the people around you. Being a good Christian is a difficult thing to do in the world today. We have enough people tearing us down, do your best to build people up.

Chapter 16: decluttering your life.

The last few weeks have brought a lot of changes for Jake and I. We have been clearing out all of the excess stuff from our life. I kicked some stress and got a different job with less stress but less money. We downsized on vehicles and we have been getting rid of clutter around the house.

It wasn’t an intentional shift when it began but when we let go of the things we had, the stress and financial burden of maintaining them went with it. The vehicles we had were starting to show there age and were in need of expensive repairs. We were able to upgrade to a new SUV and purchase a UTV to do the driveway and property maintenance for less money than we were paying for the two older vehicles.

My new job pays less than the former position but it has been less demanding. This leaves me with more energy when I get home. With this energy I have been cooking more and we have been eating out less, the house is cleaner and I have been finishing up alot of projects I have been wanting to do. I have also been feeling better and no longer feel like I need to see the holistic doctor that was very expensive. This actually saves us money monthly.

The commute for my new position is also twice as long as it was, that said I have an app on my phone that I can have the bible read to me during my commute. I have had energy and time to start a women’s group with my friend from church and have been waking up earlier and reading a few verses and journaling while having my morning coffee.

I guess the moral of the story is less can actually turn out to be more and money isn’t everything. I swallowed my pride, let go of some stuff, and let my husband provide. In turn we have been blessed beyond measure. GOD is good.

Chapter 15: feeling defeated

Have you ever been in a “no win situation”? Have you ever had someone that you can’t please… no matter how hard you try. You can be doing everything right but it’s not good enough or they are jealous and want to knock you down? I can think of several instances in my life where this has happened and I am going through it as we speak.

I am struggling with what I would normally do and what God wants me to do. It would be so much easier to give the person what they want and give up. It would be easier to let them win and push me out. I wouldn’t have to struggle to prove myself to them over and over. It would be easier to walk away and say I tried…… it would be easier but it would also be wrong.

I have decided to pray for them instead. Every passive aggressive comment…. pray for them. Every eye roll….. pray for them. Every time you don’t live up to their standards… pray for them. Sometimes you just can’t please people because it’s not you they are ultimately unhappy with, its themselves.

Pray for them, pray for yourself and continue to do the best you can….. put it in Gods hands. He’s much more capable than us.

Chapter 14: Strong independent women

When people let you down repeatedly, you tend to learn to plan for that. I was raised by a strong independent women who didn’t need a man and I turned out just like her. After my divorce I started putting my life back together again. I worked my way up in my career, bought my dream home and acquired power tools…… I didn’t need anyone, especially a man.

Or so I thought.

Then I met Jake. Up until now we have not really had defined roles in our house and in our marriage. I have told him from the beginning that I didn’t want a provider but I would like a partner. I have continued to work my way up in my career and I am to the point that I am about as far as I can go and I am…… miserable. I don’t think I have gone a day in the last month that I have not received a call or a text needing something…. I’m exhausted and at the end of the day I have nothing left to give.

My marriage has not suffered but I don’t ever want it to for a job that will run an add to replace me before my obituary hits the paper. I am putting my health and my marriage first then my job. I have realized that I have a husband I can actually depend on and I don’t have to do it all. I am taking a position with a doctors office. There will be no weekends or holidays, no phone calls or texts at odd hours and no more free overtime.

I need to let go and let Jake be the head of the household and let him lead. I never thought I would say this but I am ready to be a submissive wife….. pray for us please.

Chapter 13: Distractions

I have not posted in awhile. I have been busy and distracted….. to the point where I have sat down to write this at least ten times and get ……. distracted. I had writers block for awhile, Jake was in the hospital and then out of work (He’s fine now) and the health department was at work for a week…… all of which are excuses.

I have not opened my Bible except for at church on Sunday in a month. I have been angry about things I should just let go, I have been more selfish and just in general not the person I want to be. A reader recently mentioned that she doesn’t know what she would do if she hadn’t been raised in the faith….. I didn’t know what she meant. She explained that God was the head of her house growing up and that the entire family would bring God into every struggle and argument.

Growing up when there was difficulty God was the first one to go. There wasn’t time for church when you’re just trying to keep the lights on. When life was going ok and things were calm we went to church, when life got hard we didn’t.

This has unfortunately made its way into adulthood and I am going to change that. I need to be in Word more, if the church doors are open I need to be there and in general I need to practice what I preach. Sorry this isn’t longer but I feel like I can’t offer any great words of wisdom except if you are starting to stray, come back.